While on my Cusco city tour with my incomparable guide, Wilbur, there was also a one-of-a-kind fellow tourist, the Annoying Australian lady with fat ankles (AALWFA). I only started writing down things she said after the first 30 minutes of the tour, so I missed a few good ones. Because of bad weather and the complete incompetence of the tour guide, I really considered leaving the tour one hour in, but just as I was about to pack up, AALWFA would say something incredible. My curiosity to hear what would come out of her mouth next kept me on the tour until the end.
At first I hated AALWFA because, from the beginning, she started asking questions she obviously knew the answer to, just like some of those students in school we all knew, and its one of my biggest pet peeves. They supply 75% of the answer while asking the question. Its so weird and such a kissass move.
After a few of those, she moved away from masking her know-it-all attitude with questions and just started offering her own info. I was so close to interrupting her mid-sentence and asking how much extra we had to pay for her tour. Just horrible. And her facts were often wrong...she`d just talk nonsense out loud, to everyone and no-one at the same time.
It was after our tour of an ancient Inka temple, complete with people dressed in traditional Inka clothes and artifacts, that my attitude towards her began to change. Mostly because she switched from annoying to unintentionally entertaining...
I`ll try to explain these comments with a little context so hopefully you can appreciate the kind of fun I was having listening to AALWFA.
1. (after being shown a plate of traditional Inka offerings, which had two ears of corn with big big kernels. We had just been told there are 500 naturally occurring different types of corn grown in Peru, and in colors white to red to black)
AALWFA: "Hey...how do the Inkas get the corn that big?"
2. (our guide had been using "enigmatic" to describe many of the mysteries surrounding things within the Inka empire and some of their building techniques for over 3 hours of the tour...)
AALWFA: "And what does enigmatic mean?"
3. (The highlight of our tour was a short excursion to Sacsayhuaman, the most famous Inka ruin in Cusco. The guide almost lost it at this point...as you know from an earlier post about him, he was crazy about Quecha words.)
AALWFA: "Is this the trek up to Sexy Woman?"
4. (We drive by a big white statue of Jesus the Redeemer, arms spread wide, just like the famous one on top of Rio but smaller. For over 5 minutes the guide explains facts about it, even that the Palestinians gave it as a gift, which I thought was odd. One minute goes by...)
AALWFA: "Hey what is that white thing?"
EVERYONE ON THE BUS: (collective eye roll)
Wilbur: "A statue...of Geesus Criest"
AALWFA: "....what?"
Wilbur: "Geesus Criest"
AALWFA: "....I`m sorry, what?"
Wilbur: "Geesus Criest"
AALWFA: (chuckling a little uncomfortably, looking around for support) ".....Wh"
ME: (to myself) "Jesus Christ"
ME: (to her, out loud) "JESUS CHRIST!!"
AALWFA: "Oh...did he really say that?"
... one minute of welcome silence...
AALWFA: "Well....I`m Christian...but Church of England, not Catholic."
Incredible.
5. (Making small talk with Wilbur because nobody else will listen to her and she has to talk... explaining why she`s wearing flip-flops to him in 48F weather. Also note that except for his penchant for using Quecha words wherever possible, Wilbur our guide has been speaking perfect English for over 3 hours at this point)
AALWFA: "I suffer from swollen ankles...."
AALWFA: "....I was flying...you know FLY-ING??? (Waving her arms like a bird)"
Wilbur: (silently listening...nodding in agreement)
AALWFA: (to the rest of the bus) "Does anyone know how to say flying in Spanish?"
I wish I could make up stuff this good. If this has failed to be funny its the fault of my writing ability, not the fault of AALWFA. God bless her and her swollen ankles.
