I took a city tour through Cusco yesterday, mostly because I was too lazy to walk to half the historical sites 15 minutes out of town. There are probably 100 travel agencies that offer these type of tours, so I found one that looked interesting, and what follows are the fruits of that experience.  Although the tour, (como se dice?)"sucked ass," I was thoroughly entertained by two different characters: Wilbur, the English-speaking guide, and the fat Australian lady with swollen ankles (she gets her own section at a later date).

Wilbur talked in hushed tones and was so melodramatic it was laughable.  For some reason, Indian words can only be pronounced with wide-open eyes and a breathy voice.  The amusement with his style quickly turned to annoyance: His voice was overpowered by other guides in the area, while his competency was overshadowed by the interesting things they had to say.  Wilbur`s was a Sesame Street lesson of Indian vs Spanish words ("Sand... is ´tio´!" ) compared to other guides` National Geographic and History Channel education.

Wilbur often gave misinformation, left out accepted alternative explanations, or downright lied about history, officially qualifying him to teach it in all of America`s 50 state school systems. When pressed on his contradictions or confusing legend with reality by those of use who had other information, he replied (3 different occasions in 3 hours) "Well...this history is difficult".  I was happy I had visited two different historical museums that morning, both with a personal guided tour, which had at least taught me that the legend of the first two Inkas emerging from Lake Titicaca, walking on water, and finally arriving at Cusco was not exactly historically accurate. 

Wilber went to great lengths to explain methods employed by the Spaniards in changing Inka society.  While he skipped over the most obvious way, slaughtering a shit-load of people, he spent significant time explaining how Spaniards tried to convert Inkas to Christianity.  He was particularly insensed that Spanish churches were built upon Inka churches and that Spaniards triangulated, to steal a political term, elements of Inka religion like the sun and moon and weaved them into their explanations to the natives.  And lastly, at the end of his sermon to us, we learned that the Spanish used the cross symbol in the churches because the Inkas worshiped the cross also (the southern cross constellation), not because it was also the primary symbol of the Christian religion. 

His best quote about conquest... "The Spainards did it....(4 second pause)...to chaaaannnge...(4 second pause)..their MIND!" It immediately reminded me of Joe Protester`s catch-phrase, "Think about it...Fucking THINK about it!"

I didnt want to embarass him, but someone seriously needs to explain how religious conquest works to this guy! Maybe also explain why Christmas is when it is, why Easter is when it is, and why we have christmas trees.  And to top it off, maybe ask what religions and cultures the Inkas wiped out on their way to empire?

Now the good stuff...

Last night I had my most fufilling moment while teaching. I always expected it would come in the form of "tutoring" some young mind with a perfect body, but they don`t seem to be students in my classes. 
We went over MLK`s "I have a dream" and our national anthem. Good stuff. I also made them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches last week, which they found exotic and tasty.  If they think that`s exotic, wait until they see me in the bragger...
All this talk of perfect bodies reminds me,  I finally found the street where all the tranny prostitutes hang out. Its scary how good men can look in a dress from 20 yards away.  It may have had something to do with the fake boobs, the half bottle of wine I drank, the hour of Queer Eye I had just finished watching, or mayb e just God playing tricks on me in general.

My taxi driver explained that they were men, in case I didnt know about the phenomenon.   I didn`t get everything he said, but I definately understood  "un gran sopresa".  For those of you who havent been studying spanish as much as me, it means " I cant believe I`m holding a penis and boobs at the same time ".  The taxi driver also admitted that he wants to try a man 5 minutes before he dies, just to know what its like.   For men here, that admission`s tantamount to singing showtunes and wearing chaps.  Ok I guess standing on the corner in a dress and giving lube jobs to every car who stops is pretty gay too.

When he dies, I expect 1 day of national mourning (with banks and government closed) and a national yearly holiday. No exaggeration...this guy is a god here.

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